So, after talking to sweetwater tech support, we decided to try and replace the broken unit with another one. Thanks Sweetwater! These guys really are the best. Unfortunately, when it arrived, half of the metal things on the keys (aftertouch maybe?) were flopping around inside the box... I plugged it in anyway and it worked, except for the top octave. Then I (stupidly) updated the firmware. Then nothing worked.
I went back to my email from arturia and decided to open up the other (not physically damaged one) whose keys didn't work to see if there was an obvious error from the factory.
THE CABLE CONNECTING THE KEYBED WAS NOT PLUGGED INTO THE MOTHERBOARD (face palm)
Plugged it in, put the case together, turned it. It works like a charm.
So basically, thanks Sweetwater, and (sort of) thanks Arturia! You helped me decide to open it and see the fatal error. By the way, your factory in china is terrible at putting things together.
This will probably be my last post here. Hope everyone gets their problems sorted.